The Dr.'s Advice on TV about Pornography

I just had to post this here because what I saw on The Dr.'s last week infuriated me.  I don't watch tv very often, but I was at the gym and had time to kill, so I started watching. They were talking about intimacy and how men are with it, so I was curious.  I couldn't believe it when a woman caller asked them if it was okay for her boyfriend to have a thousand pictures of nude women on his laptop.  They all agreed and told her it was perfectly okay for him to look at pornography because it gets him ready for her.  They said the only time it is a problem is when they are spending the family fortune to maintain the habit. 
First of all, how is having a thousand pictures of nude woman not a problem.  That is downloading one picture a day for three years, that's a problem.  Second, you bring any therapist on that show and they will tell you the damage pornography does in a realtionship.  Bring couples on who have had problems with pornography and they will tell you the damage.  Bring doctors on that will show you a brain scan of someone into pornography and how it shows them desensitized and made them more and more emotionless.  All I can say is pornography is not acceptable in a relationship, it hinders and does great damage to it.  Do not allow the ways of the world to tell you it is ok, it is not.  If you or your spouse are having problems with it, seek professional help, put your initmacy back on track and back on being just between you and your spouse, not you, your spouse, and your computer, because that after all is an affair.

Are you an Acts of Service Person?

If you are not sure whether or not your love language is Acts of Service, ask your self these questions:

-Do you love it when your spouse does laundry?
-Do you love it when your spouse cooks for you?
-Do you love the little things your spouse does for you?
-Does it mean a lot to you when your spouse helps you with something you know they do not like to do?
-Do you like it when you can count on your spouse to help you with projects?
-Do you appreciate when your spouse runs errands for you?
-Does it mean a lot to you when your spouse helps around the house?
-Does it mean  a lot to you when your spouse helps you even though they have other things to do?

Ask yourself these questions and if you answer "yes" to most of them you could be an Acts of Service Love Language person.

How To: Acts of Service

If your spouse is an Acts of Service Love Language person, here are some suggestions:

-Find out what chore your spouse likes doing the least and commit to do that one chore so they don't have to do it
-Make a list of the requests your spouse has asked you to do, write them down, then pick one out per week to work on
-When you do an act of service for your spouse, like cleaning the bathroom, leave a note on the mirror expressing your love for them
-Make notes that state "today I will show my love to you by..." and fill it out, do the service and give to them
-When your spouse is away, do something special for them, paint a bedroom they have always wanted painted, put up new curtains, have the carpets cleaned, etc so when they come home they get an extra special surprise
-Don't view what your spouse asks you to do as a nag, but as a tag. They tagged you and they just need it done, so do it with a willing heart
-Do some big acts of service, like washing the car, cooking a meal, mowing the lawn and leave a sign:  To my Honey, Love your (spouse)
-Ask your spouse things you can do daily to help out, the little things mean a lot

Here are some ideas to help you get going if your spouses love language is Acts of Service

Love Language Acts of Service

First of all, sorry to all of you who take the time to read this, I have been letting life get away from me and I am sorry.  I appreciate all of those who take the time to read this.

Back to the love language Acts of Service.  This love language is exactly how it sounds, you do acts of service for the other person.  If your spouses love language is acts of service then they will appreicate when you do the dishes, mow the lawn, vaccuum the house, pick up the dry cleaning etc.  This is the love language where what you do matters.  Many may think that it doesn't really matter if you do the dishes.  But if your spouses primary love lanugage is acts of service, it means the world to them.  My secondary love language is acts of service and I can tell you that when my husband helps out in the home it means so much to me and helps me to be a happier person.  Remember even small acts of service help out, like remembering to take the garbage to the curb, changing the babies diaper, wiping clean the childrens faces, etc. If you are not sure what types of service mean the most to your spouse, ask them.  What could it hurt you if it meant a lot to your spouse to make the bed everyday?  You would be doing something they really appreciate.  By doing your acts of service you help bring joy and love into your marriage.  Remember the Savior showed us the great love of service when he washed his disciples feet, he did it out of love for him.  If your spouses love language is service, then you find out what services they love to have done and you do it out of love for them.  Remember this may take work, you may have to write a list of a service you could do each day of the week, your spouse will appreicate your effort and the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Are you a Receiving Gifts Person

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you are a receving gifts person:

-My spouses praise means a lot to me or I like it when he/she give me a gift I really like?
-I can count on my spouse to help out in the home or I love opening a gift from him/her?
-I love it when my spouse hugs me or I like it when he/she surprise me with a gift?
-Spending time with my spouse makes me happy or even the smallest gift from my spouse is important to me?
-I never get tired of my spouse praising me or I look forward to what he/she will give me for my birthday?
-My spouse doesn't interrupt me when I talk or I never tire of receiving gifts from my spouse?

These will give you an idea to determine if your love language is Receiving Gifts.  Just remember if you have a spouse who's love language is Receiving Gifts, the thought counts a lot, they want to be thought of as you make a considerate purchase, or as you make them something.

**On a personal note, I am having a hard time keeping this up for the summer, it just seems like things are chaotic, so I will start back up in mid August (once the kids are in school and my schedule is back to semi-normal) with the last two love languages.  I appreciate everyone's kind words and encouragment for my blog, this has been one of the hardest things I have done, but when even one person tells me they appreciate it, it makes it worthwhile.

How To: Receiving Gifts

Here are some suggestions for you if your spouse's love language is Receiving Gifts:

-Give your spouse a gift in the morning, ie, their favorite candy, send them a gift in the afternoon, ie, balloons or flowers, and bring them a gift home in the evening, ie, a favorite shirt or book
-Give them one gift a day for a week
-When you are out walking around, look around you, do you see a beautiful flower you could bring home for your spouse, or do you see a great walking stick they may enjoy
-Make a handmade gift for your spouse.  What if you feel you are not good at making anything?  Then take a class on how to make something your spouse would enjoy, they will treasure the gift for a long time because you made it
-Keep a notebook or on your cell phone make a list of gift ideas.  Everytime your spouse says "I would like that", write it down, then you will always have ideas of things they like
-If you still don't have ideas what to get your spouse, ask a friend or a family member who knows them well
-Offer the gift of self, tell them you will be there for an event they have that month.  Even if it is not something you will enjoy, enjoy it because you are giving them the gift of self and it fills their love tank
-Give them a book and read it yourself so you have something you can discuss together.  You can even rotate books on topics of things you are both interested in
-Give to your spouse's favorite charity in honor of them and ask the charity to send a card informing your spouse of what you have done
-Give a living gift, ie, a tree or flowering shrub.  Go help your spouse plant it, it will be a gift that last a long time

Just remember when you give the gift, it is the thought that truly counts, because they will look at that gift and rememeber you were thinking of them.

Love Language Recieving Gifts

A gift is something you can hold and look at and realize that someone was thinking of you, that is why they gave it to you.  A true gift doesn't always have to cost money, but it needs to be something you give because you care and love for that person.  Gifts can be a card you make, wildflowers you pick, or something you saw in the store that would be just right for that person.  A person who's love language is Receiving Gifts is generally someone who is enthusiastic when gifts are given, they are also someone who remembers the gifts because it was important to them.  Also in Receiving Gifts an important part of the love language is the gift of your presence, this is where you are there for the person at times of crisis, or if they just need you there by their side through difficult times. 
What if you are a saver and have a hard time spending money?  If your spouses true love language is Receiving Gifts you need to realize your investment is in your marriage.  If that is how they get their love tank full, then you do need to spend some money and get them things that are thoughtful; or if things are tight, be creative, you can give gifts without spending money.
Remember in all this that your marriage is the most important thing, so it is worth the financial and time investment. 

Summer is Crazy

I am so sorry I have been very inconsistant lately, summer is taking me more for a loop than I realized it would.  I will get back to the last three love languages starting July 11.  I am sorry again for being so inconsistant.

Are You A Quality Time Person?

Here are questions to figure out if one of you are a Quality Time person:

-Do you like to be alone with your spouse, or do you like it when your spouse cleans your car?
-Do you like taking trips with your spouse, or do you enjoy receiving a gift from them?
-Do you being with your spouse no matter what they are doing, or do you like it when they give you a compliment?
-Do you like hanging out with your spouse, or do you like it when they give you a massage?
-Do you like it when your spouse supports you or do you like it when they kiss you?
-Do you like it when your spouse listens and talks to you or do you like it when they tell you you look good?
-Do you like having your spouse's undivideded attention or do you like it when they help you clean the house?

These are a few questions you can ask each other to get a feel of what love language you are.  Also keeping a list of things you do that make your spouse happy helps you determine the love language, because there would generally be a pattern of your spouse liking compliments, or spending time with you, etc.

Happy Belated Fathers Day

I know I am behind for Fathers Day, but I realize it would be unjust of me if I do not pay tribute to the greatest two men I know, my husband and my father. 

First, Happy Fathers Day to my husband who makes this life worth everything.  He is a man that brings me constant joy and happiness.  He is a man that is patient, kind and loving to me.  He is a man that helps me see my potential and belives in me and all I can achieve.  He is a man who truly belives I am beautiful and never stops telling me.  He is a man, that when my moody days come, which have been frequent lately, he bears it all with patience and love and tries to help me get through it.  He is a man of faith, who follows God and serves him diligently.  He is a man that won my heart 18 years ago and I am grateful for it everyday.  He is the man that gave me four beautiful and amazing children who are the joy of my life.  I love you dearly Jason, thank you for all you are to me and for loving me always.

Second, to my Dad, Happy Fathers Day, he is a man that sets the example always.  He worked diligently to always provide for our family.  He would get us kids up in the morning, get us ready for school, make a homemade breakfast from scratch, send us off to school, go to work, then come home and help us with homework or dinner, or both and then he would help get us ready for bed.  He would do stuff around the house constantly and when he asked us to help him, you knew that he would be working too.  He is a man that has beared patiently and lovingly the trial of a wife who has been sick for 34 years.  He shows us the example of love by helping my mom, being patient with her, serving her and loving her.  He was always there to support us and he supports his grandkids whenever he can.  My Dad is my hero, he is my example, he is a man who has brought me great joy in life for the unconditional love he has always given me and for his example of faith and love to our Heavenly Father.  Thank you Dad for all you have done,  I love you.

How to Quality Time

So if you or your spouse are a Quality Time person, here are some suggestions:

-Sit down and talk to your spouse each night, that means tv off, and talk about your day, desires, hopes, etc
-Take a vacation with your spouse, just you and them enjoying one on one time
-When you go out to dinner, pick a place that has a nice atmosphere, a place that isn't so noisy so you can talk to each other
-Take a walk down memory lane and go to where your spouse grew up and find out about their childhood
-Go bike riding together, or running together, or swimming together
-Sit and watch your spouses favorite sport or tv show with them, even though it may not be your favorite thing to watch, it's about doing things together; you both give a little
-If you can't take a vacation together, get away for a weekend
-Grab your laptop and watch a movie on the trampoline with some popcorn
-Just get out and enjoy some one on one time

Quality Time

The love language Quality Time is all about being together.  But it goes further than that, it is about being together and giving each other your undivided attention.  It is not about taking your wife out to dinner and then spending all your time on your cell phone.  It is not about sitting down to have a conversation with her while the tv is on, which will constantly distract your attention.  It is about choosing to do things together that one of you love to do, or both of you love to do.  It is about taking time for each other to have quality conversations, really focusing on each other and how you are doing. 
If you or your spouse are a Quality Time love language person, it is a person who loves to be with their spouse.  Even if it is going grocery shopping because they know they can get some one on one time with you.  If you or your spouse are a Quality Time love language, this a person who loves to have your undivided attention, who loves to sit and talk to you without any distractions, who loves to hang out with you wherever it is because you are giving them your time and attention.
One of the important aspects of Quality Time is quality conversation, this is where you really talk to your spouse.  You don't just let them do all the talking.  The two of you share your hopes, thoughts, dreams, aspirations, disappontments, etc.  If you are not a talker and your spouse is a Quality Time person, you need to develop ways in which you can share your thoughts more readily with your spouse.  If your spouse is a Quality Time person, it means a lot to them to have you learn to engage in quality conversation, this helps them to feel very loved by you because you are taking the time to let them know how you really feel and what you think even if it is hard for you to say.
If you feel you don't have the time to take them out or to sit down and talk with them, MAKE THE TIME.  Your marriage and your spouse is the most important thing to make the time for.

Are You a Words of Affirmation Person?

With the advice given on Words of Affirmation, how do you know if you or your spouse is a person that thrives off of kind words, cards, poems, etc.?  You need to evaluate your spouse and yourself.  Ask yourself and your spouse these questions:

-Do you like it when your spouse tell you you look good, or would you rather snuggle with them?
-Do you love it when your spouse leaves a love note, or would you rather a sweet gift from them?
-Do supportive comments from your spouse make you feel good, or would you rather hang out with them no matter what they are doing?
-Do you thrive off of your spouses compliments of you, or would you rather have them help out with a chore you do not like doing?
Do you like it when your spouse is appreciative of you, or would you rather sit and listen to your spouse as they tell you of their accomplishments and dreams?

When your spouse does something for you that makes you feel great, think about it, is it from a compliment, a hug, a gift, spending time with you, or with them helping you out?  Start writing down the things your spouse does that makes you happy, it will help you to understand your love language.  If you are stuck on your spouses love language, sit and talk to them and see if the two of you can figue it out by going over the love languages as I give them out over the next little while.

Internet Looks Ready To Go

After two technicians over, several phone calls and a new router, I believe I should be back in business tomorrow.  So look for tomorrow's blog on ways you can tell if your spouses love language is Words of Affirmation.

internet problems still sorry

How To: Words of Affirmation

Here are some things you can do and say to help you begin the love language of Words of Affirmation:

-Keep a written record for a week of all of the kind things you say to your spouse, this helps you to realize if you are just repeating the same thing over and over, or if you are truly looking for the things you appreciate about them
-Give your spouse at least one compliment each day
-Write a poem, love letter, or a story telling your spouse how much you love them and how great they are
-If you are having trouble being a sincere person, watch people you know with great realtionships, see and hear how they interact with their spouse, this will help you to understand how to be sincere and give you ideas on what to look for and say sincerely
-Compliment your spouse in front of friends and family.  Your spouse should always know when they are with you that your will uplift them and not put them down.
-Tell your children, with the spouse there, how much you appreciate your spouse.  It is so good for children to hear a loving kind relationship with their parents
-Does your spouse have a dream of something they would like to do?  Well, encourage them if they do, help them see in themselves what you see in them
-You could put a love note on a mirror or window with dry erase markers, you could leave little heart papers in their car of all the things you love about them, you could buy a sugar cookie and write on it what you love about them, you could make a candy bar poster of all their great attributes, you could write on a towel or apron or t-shirt of things you love about them.  There are many other things you can do to give them encouragement
-If you really have a hard time speaking kind words, then practice, practice, practice.  The more you say it the more easier it will get and if this is difficult, write it down and give it to them

Love Language - Words of Affirmation

 This love language entails giving constant verbal appreciation and uplifting your spouse with kind words daily.  If your spouse's love language is Words of Affirmation they are an individual where your words of encouragement and praise go far.  You do not just tell them they look nice, or thank them for the great dinner.  You help them realize their potential and through your words of encouragement you help them achieve all they can become.  Do not put down your spouse, they can do that enough on their own, you are their spouse, their champion and they need words from you that constantly lift them to higher grounds.  Words of Affirmation is seeing all they do, believing in all they can become and loving them with words that help them to know they are amazing.  If it helps, keep a journal of things you notice and praise them on them.  Think of something kind they did, or a little extra gesture they did to help out and let them know you appreciate it.  I had an individual who I knew was struggling with self-esteem and just needed her husband to help pick her up, but words of affirmation came very difficult for him when he does not feel they are sincere.  But as I always say, if you start looking for the good things, you will see the good things and have great things to say about your spouse.  That spouse needed to remember why he married her and let her know what he loved about her then and now, she just needed to her from her spouse that he thought she was still beautiful and amazing.  So if your spouse thrives off of words of encouragement don't let your uncertainty hold you back, look for the good, see the good, say the good.
P.S. On a side note, if I do not post for some reason on any day (except Sunday, that is my one day off) I am sorry, I try to be very consistant, but my internet has been extremely tempermental ever since we have moved, so sorry for any problems.

The 5 Love Languages

There was a book written a while ago called The Five Languages of Love.  It is a book that I believe has a lot of great points in it.  It talks how each of us have our own primary love language.  The love languages are: Physical Touch, Service, Quality Time, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation.  The book points out that each of us have different ways in which we feel love.  Some people may feel love more acuately from their spouse spending time with them, some may feel it more from the hugs their spouse gives them, and perhaps may feel it from gifts given to them.  The point is to find the way in which your spouse feels love the most from you and to love them in that language.  I know some people who love it when their spouse spends time with them and others who don't like it when their spouse buys them flowers.  We all feel love from our spouse differently, but we all want to feel very loved by our spouse.  So for the next little bit I will be reviewing the love languages and how to make them a part of your life.

Tubing Rapid Run of Reality

A few days ago my husband and some friends of ours went tubing down a little river by where we live.  This little river is running pretty fast due to flood season and it has changed since I was in it last year due to a big flood that hit us a few months ago.  As we were tubing down the river we had trees and twigs all over in it.  We had places that were so litered with debris that we couldn't see the path to take until right before we came to it and then we had to paddle like crazy to get to it.  We all hooked ourselves together holding onto each other as we went down the river which was so fun, but at times when the debris suddenly came upon us we had a choice to hold on or to let go and abandon the group and save ourselves.  It was interesting and funny to watch.  At times I would let go to save myself, at times one of my friends would let go to save herself.  But my husband never let go of the group of tubes, he always clung steadfast and strong and helped to keep the group going where it should and if they got stuck, he was there to help them all out.  We had a lot of laughs as we tubed down the river, but it made me realize it was like marriage. 
When the hard times hit you, the rapids or debris do you cling steadfast and strong to your spouse or do you abandon them and save yourselves?  When life throws things your way, who do you hold to?  I hope your relationship is one where you hold steadfast to each other, it takes the two of you to get you through the really hard times.  It is the really hard times that test the strength of your marriage, ie financial hardships, moving, new job, school, kids, even uncertainty for your future can be a strain on your marriage.  So when the rapids and debris hit you make sure you are clinging to each other, do not abandon them for what you feel is the better way, it is by clinging to each other that you can survive anything.

Keys to Fairness in Marriage #4

4.  Learn to speak each other's "language of love."

You need to understand that each of us have different ways that we want to be loved.  There are different ways we can be shown love by our spouses this could be; hugs, kisses, doing kind deeds, helping in the home, praising them, buying them chocolates, spending time with them, etc.  You need to understand what your spouse likes and what love language they respond best to.  Does your spouse want at hug when they come home, do they want to sit and talk to you, do they want you to help in the home?  What way is it that they feel the love from you?  What does your spouse respond the best to?  How does your spouse truly feel love from you, if you are not sure, ask them, sit and talk to them and learn to understand them.  Once you learn their language of love (which we will go over more in the future)  it will help you grow closer to them.

Keys to Fairness in Marriage #3

3.  Be sensitive to your spouse's needs and recognize they are probably different from yours.

Let's face it, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  We are both very different, but that is what makes us so great.  I know men love women because they are soft, beautiful, nuturers, kind, sensitive, loving, compassionate, thoughtful, etc. and women love men because they are strong, courageous, determined, affectionate, loving, etc.  We are beautifully different, that is what makes us so great together.  So men do not think your wife's needs are the same as yours, they are not.  It is for you to learn what they are and help bring out the amazing woman your wife is.  Wife's your husbands needs are definitley not the same as yours, realize what your husband needs and help him be the wonderful man he is.  As you look to see to each other's needs and are sensitive and helpful to each other, your relationship will grow stronger and stronger because you are taking out the "Me factor" and making it a "We factor."

Keys to Fairness in Marriage #2

2.  Don't keep track of how much you give and how much you receive.

This goes along with what I was saying yesterday, you do not give only to get something back.  You also don't go to your spouse saying, I have cooked for you today, I have massaged your feet for you today, I have given you 5 hugs today and you haven't done one thing back in return.  If we are giving to our spouse and keeping track it counts for nothing.  Your relationship needs to develop into one where you both love to give to each other, where you both love to help each other and essentially where you give to each other because you don't think of yourself first.  Your relationship turns into one where you put the other's happiness first.  This can be done, but if you are the only one giving, it is tiresome.  If you feel that your spouse is not giving to you, talk to them, don't say I have done this, this and this for you, express to them how you feel and try and resolve ways in which both of your cups are being filled up each day by each other.

Keys to Fairness in Marriage #1 out of 4

1.  Set your heart on giving to your spouse.

Healthy marriage are all about giving and taking equally on both sides.  I have seen too many marriages where all the person seems to care about is what they want.  They don't seem to realize if you love your spouse you will want to give to them and do things for them and that its not just about your spouse giving to you, you taking and never giving anything back.  Also do not give to your spouse to want something back, that is not healthy either.  A true relationship will give on both sides and take on both sides because you care and love each other.  You like to give to your spouse because it makes them happy and it also makes you happy by doing it.  So is your relationship a give only?  A take only?  Or do you both give and take equally?

Internet Problems

Sorry about not posting the past few days, we have had internet problems, so I expect it all to be solved and I should be back on track Monday.

Gratitude = Attitude

Make your attitude one of gratitude.  Look for the wonderful blessings you have been given.  When life shoots you down, don't be a complainer, but instead look for all the great things you have been given.  When you are having a hard day, mentally list five things that make it a great day.  For all our personal struggles, there is always something that can make it better, whether it is a smile, someone giving you a compliment, someone telling you they appreciate you, and if all else fails go grab that favorite dessert that you love (trust me chocolate does make it better, at least temporarily).  When life hands you lemons you make lemonade, so whatever is thrown at you change your attitude and find the gratitude.
On a personal note my gratitude is a husband who is amazing even when I am a beast, four children who love me so much and I love and adore them with all I have, parents and mother-in-law who are amazing to me and always make me believe in myself, my brothers and sisters who are the greatest support system and the greatest friends, and my friends who pick me up and help me see in myself my amazing qualities when I can't see them in myself.

The Hum Drums

As years progress in your marriage and you get beyond the "Honeymoon Phase" you start to realize there are times when the Hum Drums enter.  What are the Hum Drums?  It is when you are just existing in your marriage and you are not progressing forward.  It is when you get so complacent in your marriage that you feel everything is predictable and the excitement is gone.  You just exist from day to day without much thought of ways to make your marriage great.  We all get this, we get caught up in kids, school, work, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.  My point is for you to realize when it is happening and stir things up a bit.  Do something unpredictable for your spouse, be spontaneous, go grab a picnic lunch and take them hiking somewhere, go out on the trampoline on a warm summer night and watch a movie on a laptop, bring in their favorite dessert and once the kids are asleep bring it out and play a boardgame together, as soon as your spouse gets home from work go grab some fries and an ice cream, have a water fight (in the house is fun, but you do have to clean it up), grab your bikes and bike to Maverik for a soda, go to a playground and swing and talk, put on your favorite music and dance (even when the kids are awake they love to dance and it is good for them to see the two of you dance together), etc.  The point is, stir things up, do things different, be unpredictable, don't just let the hum drums get you and you do nothing about them, that is when you need to do the most about them.

Children and Marriage

Let's face it, once you have children they become a huge part of your marriage.  They take up more time each day than you give your spouse each day.  For many the central focus of a marriage becomes your children, which is understandable, they require help, time, discipline, guidance, nourishment, encouragment, etc.  So as a tendency couples tend to forget they are husband and wife and focus more on the fact they are mom and dad.  Focusing on being mom and dad is great, but you have to remember at the same time you are husband and wife.  To try and help remember this, don't forget your weekly date.  My kids complain at times about us going out once a week, but we remind them that we want a great relationship and one day they will be out of the home and our relationship needs to be strong.  Statistics show many couples divorce by the first five years or after twenty five years.  Why after twenty five years?  Because the kids have left the home and they allowed the children to be the main focus and they didn't take the time to maintain their marriage.  Another way to not allow yourself to forget you are husband and wife is to take time for each other, one on one, everyday.  If it means you have to go out for a walk, or shut yourself in your bedroom together for 20 minutes, do it.  You need time to talk and see how things are going and to evalutate how close you feel to each other.  If you are feeling distant, resolve ways to feel closer and to help you remember you are husband and wife.  Last a very great way is intimacy. Being intimate with each other reminds you why you are married. There is a reason God said a husband and wife should leave their parents and cleave to each other, it is a true union of one.  If you are not being intimate, talk to each other, find out why and resolve a way to be together.  When you are intimate, you become one, you feel how the other feels about you and it bringsyou closer.  Remember children are wonderful and great and divine, but so is your marriage, so take the time to always make sure it is wonderful, great and divine.

Ways to FIGHT Depression

As I said yesterday, depression can be very, very brutal on your marriage and the spouse suffering through it.  Luckily  there are ways to combat it.  One of the biggest is exercise.  I know there are many people who don't like to exercise, but when you exercise and get your heart rate going, your endorphines kick in and they help to make you feel better about yourself.  Also when you exercise regularly, you feel much better about yourself because you are doing something physically good to take care of your body.  There are many choices for exercise such as; running, biking, swimming, speed walking, zumba, pilates, yoga, workout classes at a gym, kick boxing, belly dancing, there are also a lot of dvd's with more choices.  Explore an exercise, if you don't like it, then switch out, but you need to do something that elevates your heart rate.  Another way to fight depression is counseling.  Counselors can talk you through depression and if it is bad enough they can give you a prescription to help get through it.  There is nothing wrong with taking a prescription for depression, it is there to help people who can't seem to pick themselves up.  Think of it this way; go to a counselor and get a prescription if needed and save a life, or end up taking your life.  A person who commits suicide is selfish, that is what depression is, all you think about is yourself and your misery, you don't realize your family would NEVER EVER be better off without you (that is the depression talking making you think that).  Another way is stress tabs, you can buy them at any store in the vitamin section, they just give you a little extra help (I believe it has a B complex that helps with stress).  Another way is to seek family and friends support to help you fight it; have them make sure you are doing constant self-checks of how you feel and if you can't get up and get going ask them for help to do so.  Listen and watch things that are uplifting, inspirational, and even funny, laughter is so essential to feeling better about yourself.  These are just a few ideas, seek help where ever is needed and if you are going through this, TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE so they can help you.

Watch Out For DEPRESSION

One of the biggest factors there can be to an unhappy marriage is depression.  It can hit the husband or wife, and there are many reasons it can happen:  job loss, change, self-esteem issues, financial issues, etc.  For whatever the reason, it can hit you and you need to be watchful of it, because it can do major damage to yourself and your marriage.  After we had one of our children, we were told to be watchful of the baby blues, but I kind of brushed it aside.  A few months later, I realized I was having major problems and a lot of unhappiness, I was becoming a beast and I truly started believing my husband and kids would be better off without me.  Fortunately for me, no method of suicide held an appeal, I thought maybe taking too many pills would be good (but I had no way to get them) but after talking to my dad about it he made me realize it would be horrible, because your body tries to reject the pills and you end up throwing up over and over and if a person succeeds this way it is because they died of not being able to breathe while throwing up, it is not pretty and very ugly.  If you ever get to the point where you are thinking that the ones you love the most would be better off without you, seek help immediately.  A trained professional can help you see through the dark, do not worry the cost, your life is more important, and I can GUARANTEE you, your loved ones will NOT be better off without you.  Fortunatley for my depression I finally talked to my husband and we pinpointed my problem and we set goals and ways to help me get out of it.  My husband was a crucial part of helping me ge through it, because I needed his constant encouragement and I needed him to constantly build me up and tell me I was beautiful and important to my family.  The next time we had a baby, we very careful kept an eye out for any baby blues.

Keys to Forgiveness #6

6.  Seek the Spirit.  The Holy Ghost will help you to forgive.

For those who believe in God, no matter what religion you are, you need to seek his help.  He is the one that can help you forgive your spouse and help you see the matter clearly.  Pray often, ask for his help and ask him to help you understand so you can forgive your spouse. 

Keys to Forgiveness #5

5.  Forget about who is right and who is wrong.

An essential rule to forgiveness is forgiving them.  Sometimes one of you have to take the upper hand and say I'm sorry to start creating peace.  It does not matter who is right or wrong, it is about communicating and expressing feelings appropriately and getting past the hurt.  I have talked before about keeping ammunition to use against your spouse at a later date.  This is done when you remember something they had done wrong, and eventhough you said you forgive them you bring it up again and again to hurt them. If you truly forgive them of the wrong they have done, you will not bring it up to hurt them later. This doesn't mean you forget it, but that you have let it go to allow the peace to be in your marriage.

You Both Have to Give a Little

I am sorry I did not get back to my blog yesterday we were busy moving over the weekend.  I can tell you this, moving can be a big strain on your marriage.  If you are not working together, it can get very ugly.  You are so tired and stressed that it could be one of the times you say something you regret.  Fortunatley for Jason and I it went smoothly (because I have been packing and cleaning for the last month, part of my OCD) except when we tried to fit the furniture where we thought it should go and it wouldn't fit, so after much deliberation and compromise we worked it out.  Remember you both have to give a little to make things work out well.  Tomorrow I will be back on track for the Keys to Forgiveness.  Thanks for your patience.

Keys to Forgiveness #4

4.  Speak only when you feel you are in control of your emotions.

How many times have you said things you shouldn't have when you were tired, angry, frustrated, etc.  A golden rule in your relationship is not to have important discussions when one or the other of you is tired, upset, etc.  It is so easy to say words you will regret when you are upset, therefore it is not wise to speak until you are in control of your emotions.  If you do say words you regret, they are harder to take back and repair the damage.  So think before you speak.

P.S. I am taking a break until Monday.

Keys to Forgiveness #3

3.  Remember all the good things about your spouse.  The positive will always outweigh the negative.

I have talked many times about always seeing the positive in your spouse and saying the positive things about your spouse.  If you look for the negative you will see it, if you look for the positive you will see it.  When you are having a hard time forgiving your spouse for an offense, it is worth taking the time to write down all the good things you see in them and all the good things other see in them.  As you look at the list regularly it will help to reaffirm to you that forgiveness to them is worth it.  You will see they have much value and merit and that your marriage is worth it.  Sometimes we need to see our spouses through the rainbow spectacles of Pollyanna, where all you see is good, because seeing the good will help us get past seeing the bad only.

Keys to Forgiveness #2

2.  Trade places with your spouse and imagine how much you would like to be forgiven.

This goes hand in hand with #1, you need to see the situation from your spouse's point of view, but by trading places with them, it puts you in their shoes and you realize how important forgiveness for them is.  It helps you to see their sincerity and through you forgiving them it can help them move forward.  Also with forgiveness comes great peace.  Sometimes our spouse can wrong us so greatly that it is hard to forgive them because you cannot trust them.  Forgiveness and trust are two seperate issues.  To forgive is to say that you accept their apology and all that they have done to repair the situation.  The trust comes back through time as they show you over and over that they are sorry but not doing that wrong again.  Trust has to be earned, whereas forgiveness is essential to our personal peace in life. 

Keys to Forgiveness #1 out of 6

1.  See the situation from your spouse's point of view.

Forgiveness is essential in a marriage, I mean lets be honest, there are many things that go on that one or the other is asking for forgiveness.  The great thing about this life is we are not perfect and we have to constantly try to work out the kinks we have in ourselves.  We all mess up, we all make mistakes.  We say things we shouldn't when we are tired or frustrated.  Therefore forgiveness is an essential key to a successful marriage.  When we are having problems in are marriage, or having an argument, take the time to stop and think about it from your spouses point of view.  Find out if they are tired, did they have a bad day at work, etc these are things that will spark arguments in a marriage.  What if the spouse has done something very bad, ie, had an affair, views pornography, lost a lot of money without telling you, lies to you, drinks in secret (in other words, things that they specifically hide from you because they don't want you to find out because they know it will cause terrible problems in your marriage).  If this happens, you will need counseling for a lot of these things, but one of the first steps will be to see it through their eyes as to why they did it.  It will help you begin to understand why, it doesn't mean that it will be easier to forgive them, but it does help you get a better prospective on the situation.  Whatever the reason for forgiveness stop and see it from your spouse's point of view so you can start taking steps to forgive them.

Tribute to my Mom

With Mother's Day around the corner I wanted to pay a tribute to my mom.  She is a wonderful women and has been there for me.  She has always had a listening ear and I loved it when I came home from school and could just plop down on her bed and tell her about my day.  She has been wonderful to my children and my husband.  She has spent hours and hours crocheting names into blankets, making pillows, and making dolls for my kids.  She loves my husband and picks him up all of the time.  She has never said anything negative about my husband (which honestly isn't hard) and I am so grateful for that.  My mom has had a very hard life with an illness that has been very long and has caused her much pain.  I am grateful for the brave steps she has taken these last six months to try and make the most out of her life with the situation in which she is in.  I truly love her and I am grateful she is my mom.
(This is my last post this week, until Monday, because I have an Ironman date tomorrow, no I am not doing it, just helping out).

You Are a Hottie

This is to all the women out there and husbands you need to pay attention too.  Mothers Day is fast approaching us; it is a day that those we love pay tribute to us and let us know how much they love us.  Why is it then that we don't seem to love ourselves that much?  Why do we always put ourselves down and not pick ourselves up?  Why are we always the hardest on ourselves?  My husband just told me today "your a hottie" I looked at him with a little unbelief, but said thank you.  All I could think of when he said that was that I worked out today, but as I worked out I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could see is what I didn't like about myself.  We are so hard on ourselves.  You need to love yourself and pat yourself on the back for each accomplishment you achieve. You need to believe you are a hottie.  Just because you are not a size 0, doesn't mean that you aren't super sexy and amazingly beautiful.  Love yourself, you are a hottie.  For all the husbands, tell your wife she is beautiful and make sure you are sincere, make sure she knows that you only have eyes for her and that she is your hottie.

Mothers Day Ahead

This is for you, our dear sweet husbands and fathers, Mothers Day is on Sunday.  I am giving you a "heads up" so you can't say "oops, I forgot."  Believe it or not, you need to remember Mothers Day like you remember your anniversary, her birthday, and Christmas.  Some husbands struggle with remembering these important dates (generally not Christmas).  When you remember these dates, it shows her that you are thinking of her, that she is on your mind, and that those days are important to you too.  For Mothers Day you don't have to go get some expensive gift, just do something to show her how much you love her.  Some suggestions might be: a poem, a homemade card, a letter, a foot massage, a back massage, breakfast in bed, a bubble bath with no children disturbing her, her favorite candy, her favorite flower, etc.  There is a lot you can do, so think now and be creative.  I remember one Mothers Day when I asked my husband that all I wanted was not to change a diaper for the day, what a great present that was for me at that time.  Let her know she is a great wife/mother, and if she is not a mother yet, still recognize her for being your great wife.  One day she will be the mother of your children and recognizing her for Mothers Day lets her know you look forward to having children together. So to the sweet men out there, here's your reminder, Mothers Day Ahead!

Count Your Blessings

This past little bit in my marriage has probably been one of the hardest times we have ever had.  With the economy the way it is, we had several things that hit us really hard in about a short period of time.  It has been a time of hardship, struggle and for me a lot of tears.  As we were going through this time, one thing struck me and that was to count my blessings.  So I actually pulled out a journal and in it I put the hard things we have had happen, which consisted of about eight lines or so, then I started to list all the blessings that occured during it.  My blessings came to a page and a half.  I was surprised and startled to see so many little things that made such a difference, so many kind words from friends and family, and friends and family who were willing to do anything they could to help.  It has been a humbling time, but throughout this all Jason and I did not fight over what went wrong, or what we should have done, we clung to each other and buckled down together to get through it all.  Hard times come in all marriages and it is a matter of working through it together and seeing all the blessings along the way.

Lighten Up and Laugh

One thing I have learned about marriage is that you need to be able to laugh.  Laughter is one of the greatest healing gifts we have been given.  It is amazing what happens when you laugh and how you feel when you do.  We have a tendency in marriage to get so caught up in all the problems, drama, and hard parts of it, that we forget to find the joy, the excitement and the laughter in life.  We especially need to learn to laugh at ourselves.  We need to realize our weaknesses and embrace them and when things don't go exactly as planned we need to be able to laugh at ourselves and our follies.  If we are just having a hard day or a hard time, go find a movie you love and that makes you laugh.  Get out, do whatever it takes to realize there is so much good in this life.  I know when things are getting rough, I am very fortunate, because my husband is very witty and helps me to laugh a lot, but there are times when I have to reverse it and I need to help him ligthen up and get him to laugh. 
His favorite one was when we was digging a hole in the back yard and it was a HUGE pain, it was taking forever because we obviously have clay in our soil.  He was getting so upset doing it, so the sweet wife I am, I just took a huge pile of mud and came up right behind him and smoothered it all over his back and head.  You should have seen his face when he turned around, it was first a look of great shock and then surprise, and then the smile came on and the mud fight was on.  What a fond memory for us.  You need to do this, when life gets hard, find a way to laugh and help lighten each other up through very stressful times.

Make Ironman a Date

I have discussed several times about dating, being creative and group dating.  If you are stuck for an idea of what to do for a group date,or what to do for yourself, I am going to give a personal plug; if you live in St. George the Ironman is on May 7th here.  Why not get a group of your good friends or just you and your spouse and sign up to be volunteers at one of the stations?  You could bring snacks, goodies, or even a picnic lunch.  They still need many volunteers in many areas.  Watching these athletes come in is one of the most amazing and humbling things.  Seeing them push themselves past exhaustion point and keep moving is amazing.  With Jason on Search and Rescue we help out at the lake, we actually make a date of it.  We bring something to roast over a campfire the night before and sleep over because we have to be there so early.  It is so fun.  So grab your friends, or grab your spouse and be of service and help out.  I know you will have a great time chatting with everyone while you support the athletes.  To volunteer just google St. George Ironman 2011 and it will pull up the necessary link for volunteers.

10 Commandments Done

I hope you enjoyed the 10 commandments for Husband and Wife by Legrand Richards of the Council of the Twelve for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I know if you look these over they will have great help and significance in your marriage.  I love that Elder Richards put this together, this continues to reaffirm to all of us how important marriage is and that it takes work and effort.  It would be worth it to sit with your spouse and read them and talk about them to make sure you are both doing them.  You want a great marriage and the effort it takes will be well worth the result.

Commandment #10 for Wife

10.  Commit thy ways unto the Lord thy God and thy children shall rise up and call thee blessed.

What a blessing it is for us to know that if we turn to our Heavenly Father and raise our children in righteousness that our children will call us blessed.  I can think of no greater joy than to have my children choose righteousness and choose to follow God.  As we choose a path of following our Heavenly Father it will also bless our relationship with our husband.  If you choose to have peace, love, kindness, thoughtfulness, good will and uplifting words in your home, it will be very hard for the spirit of contention to be there also.  If you have a home of Heavenly Father's love and spirit and you will have great joy in your home.

Commandment #10 for Husband

10.  REMEMBER THY HOME AND KEEP IT HOLY.

Husbands, do you bring things into your home you shouldn't?  Improper movies, video games with too much violence, pornography, etc?  Your home should be a sacred place on this earth where your wife and your children will always feel it to be a safe haven.  The things you bring in your home will change the spirit in your home.  If you want Heavenly Father's spirit in your home, you can not bring things in there that will chase it away.  A good example is of a friend of mine, who's husband brought home a very scary rated R movie.  The wife felt right off that he should not watch it or have it in the home.  The husband said it would be okay.  After 5 minutes of watching it, he shut it off, he could feel the bad spirit the movie brought and the unease it left in him watching it.  He was intuned enough to what was good to realize the movie would only bring a feeling of unease in his sacred home.  Be thoughtful of what you bring in and your example.  Fathers/Husbands, you are constantly watched and lbeing ooked up to, so be an example for good and allow all to enter your home to feel that good.

Commandment #9 for Wife

9.  Keep thy home with all diligence, for out of it will come the joys of thy old age.

I see this in two ways; first keep you home clean, cleanliness is next to Godliness and a clean home helps keep the right spirit in your home.  The second is your home atmosphere, the saying "home is where your heart is" applies here.  You want a home that whenever anyone enters they can feel your good spirit and peace in your home.  You want a home that no matter who enters that they feel welcome in it.  If you keep your home like this, no matter your age, people will always know your home as a place of warmth, love and acceptance.  Your husband will want to come home, your children will want to come home, and your grandchildren will want to go there.  Having a home where all is welcome will help bring you constant joy in your old age.

Commandment #9 for Husband

9.  Thou shalt not take thy wife for granted.

Plain and simple, we are your wife not your servant.  Love us, uplift us, cherish us, help us, and always keep your eyes of adoration focused on us.  Do unto us as you want us to do to you.

Commandment #8 for Wife

8.  Permit no one to assure thee that thou art having a hard time of it, neither thy mother nor thy sister nor thy maiden aunt nor any of the kinfolk, for the judge will not hold thee guiltless for letting another disparage thy husband.

This goes in long with the husband's commandment #8.  Disparage means: cast in a bad light, belittle, and being of little worth.  As husband and wife you support each other, you pick each other up, you look for the good and say the good.  I cannot preach this enough.  You are not to allow someone to put your husband down or tell you the things they don't like about your husband.  You are to stand up for your husband and if someone tries to disparage him, you tell them not to do that, that he is an amazing man.  We have a tendency to turn to our families or girlfriends when we are having difficult times, we need to be careful of this.  If you are unhappy with your husband over something, talk to him first.  He can never know if there is a problem if you don't talk to him about it.  If you do confide in your mother, sister, girlfriends, be careful, you can even go as far to say  "I have a friend that is having a difficult situation, do you have advice you can give me for her," or if you do mention your hsuband, do not use the blaming language, use the "I" words, ie, "I feel that...", "I am concerned about...", "I need help understanding..." The point is you don't blame him saying "You are mean, horrible, inconsiderate..." etc.  Work together, support each other, and stand up for each other.

Commandment #8 for Husband

8.  Thou shalt not let anyone criticize thy wife to thy face and get away with it, neither thy father nor thy mother nor thy brethren nor thy sister nor any of thy relatives.

When you were married the two of you were made one.  That means in all things you are one.  Husbands, it is not appropriate to allow people to criticize your wife, if you do you are telling them that you agree with them.  That is very detrimental to a relationship.  When you allow people to put your wife down and don't say anything, you are putting her down yourself.  Once we start saying the negative about a spouse, it is just easier to see more and more negatives about them.  Stand up for them, let them know that they are your priority, have courage, if someone is negative, turn it around and tell them things you love about your wife.  When we look for the good and say the good, we just see more good.  Show your wife the great love you have for her and always have her back.

Commandment #7 for Wife

7.  Forget not the graces of cleanliness and good dressing.

Okay, this is simple, don't be a slob.  Look nice for your husband, smell nice for your husband, shower regularly and brush your teeth.  It is a turn off for a husband to come home to a wife who smells bad, won't get dressed or won't even brush their teeth.  I know depression hits many women at different times, but you need to be willing to recognize that not taking care of yourself is one of the big signs of depression and do something about it.  Just go back to the golden rule; how did I look when I was dating him, how did I dress, how often did I shower, did I smell good for him?   All that you did to win his heart should still be in play now.

Commandment #7 for Husband

7.  Thou shall enter into thy home with cheerfulness.

Alright you sweet husbands, we know you have had a long day at work, but you need to think about your wife who has spent the day cleaning the house and re-cleaning the house (because as soon as it is cleaned it is destroyed in 5 minutes), changing diapers, making bottles, being nurse, carpooling the kids where ever they need to go, dealing with teenagers and all their drama, it could go on and on.  You  go to work and get away from the home and what goes on there day in day out, I know work is not always glamorous, but it gets you out and you have a new perspective when you enter.  As for the mom, it is a full time job, it doesn't end when the husband comes home, it keeps going, well into the night and into the middle of the night.  Think of her perspective if you were to walk in cheerfully.  If you were to come in give her a kiss, tell the kids you missed them and then asked if she needed any help.  You could even go one step further and tell her to go sit down while you tidy up.  I have had the privelege of being a full time mom for 14 plus years, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, it is the most rewarding job, but it is the hardest job because there is not a break from it, it is hard that everytime you clean it is going to be destroyed again.  I have even gone to the lengths of calling my husband once it is clean and letting him know I did clean it today, but that it will probably be destroyed when he comes home.  Just remember a marriage is a partnership and you help each other, but by you coming home cheerfully it makes a difference, it shows you want to be home and you that you love coming home to her.

Commandment #6 for Wife

6.  Remember that the frank approval of thy husband meaneth more to thy happiness than the side-long glances of many strangers.

This is a vital one now-a-days.  Women, the only approval that matters is your husbands.  He is the one we are to look good for and take care of ourselves for.  We do not get ready for the day and look nice in hopes that other men will notice.  We get ready for the day and look nice for our husbands to notice.  You need to remember to take care of yourself.  Remember when you were dating and you would always try to look your best, it is the same now.  The women need to remember that our husbands go to work each day and interact with woman who are well groomed and look nice, but then come home to their wife who is luckily to have brushed out her hair for the day.  I am not saying that everyday you need to look amazing, we all have our casual days, but it shouldn't be everyday.  Husbands like to come home to their wife who looks nice and has taken the time to look nice for them.  Look good for your husbands, remind them why they love to come home to you and why they feel in love with you in the first place.

Commandment #6 for Husband

6.  Thou shalt co-operate with thy wife in establishing family discipline.

This is an essential rule to a marriage. With children the discipline needs to come from both of you.  You need to talk about how you were disciplined and how you expect to discipline your children.  You also need to realize that you back each other up.  The worst thing that happens, and it happens frequently in marriages, is that a spouse will discipline the child, then the child will go to the other parent stating it is unfair or leaving out a portion of the story and that parent will change the discipline.  This shows the child two thing, first that there is no consistentcy in the parents, which they need, and second that they can go to the other parent and get a lesser punishment.  This makes one parent look as the bad guy and one parent look as the good guy, this is not healthy in a relationship.  You are to support the other.  If one of you discipline a child in a way you feel is too harsh or inappropriate for the circumstances, you are to talk to each other about it and establish guidelines together that will help you both discipline appopriately for whatever circumstances may arise.  Marriage is a two way street, it takes both of you to do it and that includes discipline.  Just don't forget to show an increase of love to your child after you discipline them, because although you maybe unhappy with their choices, you never stop loving them.

Commandment #5 for Wife

5.  Thou shalt coddle thy husband, for verily every man loveth to be fussed over.

I love this!  Men by nature are very affectionate and they love attention.  Most men love the expression of touch.  Men loved to be hugged and kissed and fussed over.  I know when my husband is sick, which isn't often, that he loves it when I take care of him and see to his needs.  Men also like recognition when they come home from work.  When Jason and I were first married, I was an affectionate person, but I learned from him, that he likes it when he comes home that I greet him and give him a hug or a kiss or both.  I had to also learn from him that he likes hugs a lot.  This has been very, very good for us.  As I hug him and am affectionate with him I feel my emotional needs being fulfilled at the same time.  His hugs are healing, helpful and full of love.  Our husbands need our attention and our affection.  Pay attention to them, listen to their day, get his favorite treat for him when you are at the store.  Just show him that you are thinking of him and going the extra mile is worth it for him.

Commandment #5 for Husband

5.  Thou shalt make the building of thy home thy first business.

No matter where you live, a rental, a home, an apartment it is up to you to make a house a home.  Having a secure place for your family to live is a priority.  They need to feel protected and secure there.  There are many situations now-a-days where people are losing homes, or having to move because of job loss.  The greatest thing the husband can do is to find a home where the family will feel secure in.  The atmosphere in the home is up to you.  Build a home based upon love, peace, kindness, acceptance and protection.  Make sure your family understands through your example that they make a house a home.  No matter where you live build a home based upon faith and trust in Heavenly Father and you will have a home that you and your family will rejoice in.

Commandment #4 for Wife

4.  Thous shalt not nag.

How simple that is, or at least you would think it is.  My husband use to say to me that I would have a radar go off everytime he tried to sit down.  It seemed that everytime he sat down I would then ask him do something.  This is a two way street, on the one hand I feel like I always need help and on the other hand he does need to have down time.  So we finally figured out that he asks me if I need him to do something and if not he's welcome to relax.  I also try to realize when he is overworked or overstressed and try not to ask him to do much if it has been a long day and he just needs down time.  We as woman always have things that need to be done; the house and the children is a 24/7 job.  It does take two to run a home, but both husband and wife need their down time and their helpful time.  Just because the husband works outside the home doesn't mean he doesn't work in the home.  It is a matter of balance, of both of you being helpful to the other and learning to read the other.  You need to realize when one is overly tired or stressed and help out a little extra.  Also you women out there need to remember that your husband CAN'T read your mind, so if you feel he isn't contributing, ask him for help once he has had a time to relax.  Last of all remember to use please and thank you's they go far in a marriage, it doesn't seem like nagging when one asks kindly and is appreciative of the help given.

Commandment #4 for Husband

4.  Thou shall hold thy wife love by same means that thy won it.

Do you remember all the dates, dances, flowers, creative times you had when you were dating your spouse?  All the things your husband did to court you he should still do now.  Being married does not mean the courtship ends, it actually means you need to kick it in higher gear.  Marriage is a constant maintenance to make it great and if you went dancing when you were engaged, you should go dancing now.  If he use to bring you flowers when you were dating, he should still do it now.  When Jason and I were dating, I would dry the flowers he gave, I didn't want to throw them away because they had fond memories attached to them.  After we were married I had an idea; I would dry the flowers he gave me and break off the stem once dried and put them in a clear vase.  On the card he gave me with them, I would write the date and why he gave them to me.  Eighteen years later I have two beautiful big clear vases of dried roses.  By me being thoughtful to the flowers he has given me it has encouraged him to continue to do so.  If you miss dancing, plan a night and go dancing, it will rejuvinate you.  If you miss the creative dates, plan one and go.  In all this, talk to your husband, if the courtship has been forgotten, remind him of it.  Let him win you over again and again.

Commandment #3 for Wife

3.  Forget not the virtue of good humor, for verily, all that a man hath will he give for a women's smile.

I love this, I believe this is so true.  Having a good sense of humor and being able to laugh at life is what makes it bearable.  My husband has commented many times that it was my eyes and my smile that helped win him over.  Men want to enjoy life and they need a wife who will help them laugh when life throws a lot of challenges their way.  Right now Jason and I are going through a pretty rough time, but I am telling you that humor is making it all bearable.  We have to be able to forget hardships and look at the joy of everything else given to us.  Remember my motto "Joy in the Journey", laughter and smiles are an essential part of this journey, and if you don't laugh through the hard times you will probably cry, and as healing as that can be, it can be wearing all of the time.  So go ahead and remind your husband that you have a great sense of humor and that your smile is worth it's weight in gold.

Commandment #3 for Husband

3.  Think not that thy business is none of thy wife's business.

I sometimes think that when you first get married that the hardest part is the two of you are involved in everything that each other does.  What you do, where you go, who you associate with, who you talk to, this is all a part of your wife's business.  There is to be no secrets in marriage.  If there are secrets then trust cannot be there.  What you do does matter.  You may think your wife doesn't want to know, or it is boring, even if it is, you are to keep her aware of all your doings.  It is just a part of marriage sharing your day, sharing how you feel, sharing who you associated with, etc.  That way everything is always on the up and up.  But if you do something, or associate with someone you don't want to tell your wife about, then you shouldn't be doing it.  Your wife is your business so make her aware of all your business.

Commandment #2 for Wife

2. Expect not thy husband to give thee as many luxuries as thy father hath given thee, after many years of labor and economy.

This is straight and simple, some woman have had fathers who were very well off and provided them with much, we cannot expect the same from our husband.  For most of us if we marry for love it will be a struggle financially.  I remember when Jason and I were first married and we lived in a little one bedroom apartment, I loved it.  We had such a great time.  We worked together as a team and did what we could with what we had.  We need to appreciate how hard our husbands work and appreciate what they provide for us.  I believe it comes down to living in your means and being happy with it.

Commandment #2 for Husband

2.  Do not expect thy wife to be wife and wage earner at the same time.

Okay, this is essential.  If the wife is the wage earner, expecting her to take care of the home too is ridiculous.  If the husband does not have the job he becomes Mr. Mom.  I have heard of marriages where the wife has had to do it all, ie wage earner, clean the house, take care of the kids, etc. and the husband was lazy, he did not hold a job or only worked now and then and would not contribute to the house responsibilities, this is not acceptable.  We each have our responsibilities to do.  Husbands, you are expected to be the main wage earner, this allows your wife to raise your children and be responsible for your home.  Nowadays there are many, many woman who have to work, if this is the case, the home responsibility is equal.  You are to share the load.  Go back to #1 and remember you are partners in this.  When one seems very tired, buck up and do a little extra to help out.  A good marriage has to have a lot of give and take, but if only one gives and one takes, it is not healthy. 
Also if your wife is working just for extra playing money, she shouldn't be.  No success can compensate for failure in the home.  You can never, ever replace the opportunity a woman has to a full-time mother.  I can testify it is one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs there ever will be.  If you can work it out, let your wife stay home, your children need it more than you can ever imagine and it will be a blessing to your home.

Commandment #1 for Wife

1.  Honor thine own womanhood that thy days may be long and happy in the house which thy husband provideth for thee.

I see this in two ways, first is to love being a woman.  I love being a woman and I am grateful I am, but it is also for me to love myself and see the good in myself.  It is for me to realize that I am amazing, I do not have to be like the super mom up the street, or the super model mom down the street, it is up to me to see how wonderful, beautiful and special I am and to rejoice in the woman that I am.  I am not to compare myself to other woman, for I have wonderful traits that they will not possess.  We are all different, that is what makes us all so great!
Second, is a rule I am truly working on right now; no matter where you live, ie, home, apartment, with in-laws, it is up to you to make a house a home.  Love where you live, be happy there.  Our husbands work hard to provide for us where ever we may be at different circumstances in life, but it is up to us to be appreciative of their hard work and make whatever place we live in a house of peace, love and laughter.
Love who you are and have joy in where you live.

Commandment #1 for Husband

1.  Remember that thy wife is thy Partner, not thy property.

Very simple, the wife is to help the husband, not have the husband be dictator over her.  The woman came from the rib of Adam, which means they walk side by side, hand in hand, two voices working together as one.

Get Ready for the 10 Commandments Given to Husbands and Wives for a 100-100 Marriage

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and a long time ago I was given a paper written by Elder Legrande Richards, who was one of our church's apostles, on the 10 commandments for husbands and wives.  In the next 20 days, I will post one commandment a day that he said.  I will alternate between the husbands and then the wives.  These have helped me out a lot in my marriage.  They remind me of where my focus should be and how we can have a 100-100 marriage.  I hope they help you over the next few weeks.  Whether or not you are LDS they will bring great blessings to your marriage.

Appropriate Conversations with the Opposite Sex

Recently I heard of someone talking about having appropriate conversations with the opposite sex.  Bascially you should not have a conversation with the opposite sex that you wouldn't want your spouse to hear and be a part of.  I love this comment, it is so true.  You should never tread on ground that could be shaky.  If you are having a conversation with the opposite sex that you wouldn't want your spouse to hear, don't have it.  You need to be careful and thoughtful of what you say.  A member of the opposite sex is not someone you share your confidences with, or even someone you flirt with.  Your eyes should be focused solely on your spouse and your confidences should be shared only with your spouse.  Your spouse is your most trusted conversation, they are the one that should pick you up, make you feel of value and help you see your worth.  Be thoughtful in your conversations with the opposite sex, make sure you only say what you would want your spouse to hear.

Be Thou An Example

We tell our children all the time of things we want them to do that is right, but far greater is the example that we set.  They watch us and follow closely what we do, our examples speak louder than words.  It is the same for your spouse.  If you want a spouse more complimentary, be more complimentary.  If you want a spouse more helpful, you be more helpful.  If you want a spouse who speaks kinder, you speak kinder.  The example you set to your spouse will speak louder than your words.  Uplifting, kind and loving words are essential to a relationship, but so are kind deeds, helpful hands and a willing heart.  Be to your spouse what you want them to be to you.  If you are having problems with a spouse being negative to you, do not be negative back.  Seek to find the good and say the good.  Look for ways to uplift them and help them to love themselves.  When your spouse is doing something that is not uplifting or good it is not appropriate to belittle them, yell at them, or deamean them.  You need to love them and seek for ways to help them see in themselves the good you see in them.  Be the example you desire your spouse to be, it is hard to be upset at someone who is loving you back.

Make 'Em Laugh

Since today is April Fools Day I feel an appropriage theme is make them laugh.  It is simple, do something that makes them laugh.  It is amazing how healing laughter can be.  When all you can see is the hard part of life, a thing as simple as laughter relieves stress.  A couple of ideas that have went over well in this house are a mud fight, a frosting fight, a water fight, etc.  Our kids actually enjoy them just as much as we do and it is good for everyone to just lighten up and laugh, or just play a good natured April Fools joke on them.  Have a great day and laugh, laugh, laugh.

So If Change Is Constant How Do We Embrace It?

Yesterday I discussed the one constant in your life is change.  So if change is constant how do we embrace it?  Right now many of us are going through many challenging trials ie, loss of job, loss of income, house problems, health problems, loss of a loved one, etc.  So with these trials or changes, how can we learn and grow from it?  Each of us develops our own ways of coping with change, mine is to ponder it over a lot.  When we were faced with Jason losing his job, it was humbling, we really had to think about it, how to deal with it, where life needs to lead us and how we can turn a lemon into lemonade.  I am telling you now, almost a year later, it has been a blessing.  My husband has become a better husband and father from it.  He realized all that he had missed out on with the kids, and he was a very supportive father, but he worked late hours and had long days.  He also realized that I don't sit home eating Bon-Bons all day, that the house is a never ending battle, it can be cleaned one moment and looked destroyed the next.  But through this job lose, we realized even more what mattered to us and that was our family.  As change happens to you list the good and the bad, talk over and over the possibilites of what to do with the change and where you want your life to go.  Make sure you always hold true to your values but be open to new ideas, ie a new town to move to, a new home, a smaller home, a different job with different hours, more time with your children.  There is generally good things that come out of change it is just up to us to see it.

The One Constant In Life Is...

Some of you know me, some of you don't.  For those who don't know me or my family, I would like to introduce one person into my blog that I will use from time to time and that is my Dad.  My father is a licensed clinical Psychologist.  He has practiced for over 30 years.  He has worked with everything from children to youth to marriages to the disabled.  So as you can imagine I go to him quite often for advice and help.  Quite a long time ago he told me something that has helped my outlook on life, he said, "Kami the one constant in life is change."  He then talked to me about embracing change and that it can be good for you.  I am a person who can really set my mind on something and changing it can be hard, but I have learned that change can be really great, it can be hard at times, but a lot of times it offers great personal growth.  In your marriage, change is a constant part of your life.  If you learn early to accept it, work with it and grow with it, it will help to bless you and your marriage.

Saving Ammunition for Later

A couple of blogs ago I used a term that you shouldn't save ammunition to use against your spouse.  This may be a new term for some or a term you are familiar with.  It means: don't remember all the things your spouse has done wrong or things that have bothered you about your spouse to use against them at a later date.  In example, you are having a discussion about how your spouse did not help clean the house.  Your spouse responds "well I help out most of the time" you respond "no you don't, three years ago in March I wanted your help and you didn't help."  That is holding ammuntion against them, you remember something they did wrong a while ago and instead of resolving it then you remember and hold onto it so at a different point in time you can use it to prove you are right.  This is not effective.  All that happens when you hold onto things your spouse has done wrong can hurt you, forgiveness is part of marriage, we are all not perfect.  If something does bother you, resolve it then, don't hold onto the ammunition to use against them later.

Why Can't Men Just Read Our Minds?!

No, really, why can't our husbands just read our minds?  Wouldn't it just make life easier?  When I was first married, I truly belived Jason could read my mind.  I always became frustrated when he didn't take out the garbage, didn't understand when I was upset, or didn't take me on a date.  I realized that I expected things from him without asking him.  I just figured he would get the hints, or that he would just realize what needs to be done.  This is not true for men, they need full open communication so they understand you and the help you need from them.  Even 18 years into our marriage, I am still asking Jason to do this, help with this, etc.  He is much more observant now than we were first married, especially to how I feel, if I am truly frustrated or upset.  But that took time and it also required me telling him how I felt and why I felt that way.  I know that we may feel like a nag when we are asking for help in the home for the 6000th time, but husbands focus when they get home is not on the hard day you had, but on their hard day and their need to unwind.  I have found that just telling Jason what I need done and how I feel has made life a lot easier.  It also gives him the chance to say, I am tired, can we do it later or does this have to be done right now.  Mind reading would be fun but I think our husbands brain would go into overload when they realize our minds never stop.  So don't expect him to read your mind, just open up and tell him how you feel or ask for help.

Happy 18th Anniversary To The Man Who Makes Everything Worth It

I do not blog on Sunday's, that is my one day off.  Tomorrow is my 18th anniversary and I just want to say how much I love my husband.  In 18 years I have been blessed with a man who is very good to me, loves me all the time and treats me like a queen.  These have been the greatest 18 years.  It doesn't mean it has always been easy, but it has been worth it.  Our growth together has been one of the greatest blessings.  I appreciate how he accepts me and truly loves me for who I am (I have OCD at times (or at least I feel that way), so you really have to embrace that).  I love the four children we have together and the great joy they bring to us. He is my Joy in my Journey.  He makes me happy, makes me laugh a lot and I still get butterflies when he kisses me.  Thanks Jason for who you are and all you mean to me.  I will love you forever.

Silence Can Be Golden

We have been talking a lot about communication skills, because honestly they are ESSENTIAL to a good relationship.  I had someone bring up that silence is golden.  That is true.  Sometimes we go over the top or say things we shouldn't and there are times when we need to just learn not to say anything.  I remember when Jason and I were first married and we would get into a discussion and I would get frustrated.  I would stop talking because I didn't want to say anything I regreted and I would go take a shower and sort out why I was mad or frustrated.  It worked really well, I generally could always figure out the source of my problem and come back to the conversation more productive.  The only frustration was Jason didn't understand why I would not say anything and eventually get up and go shower.  Once I told him why, it was very productive, that was my way to deal with frustrations and come back to the conversation more productive.  On the other hand of not saying anything, just be careful you are not storing up ammunition against them.  Silence is golden when there are not feelings to sort through.  The problem is when you are being silent to keep the peace, but inside you are really hurting and needing to sort through the problem.  Make sure you evaluate your emotions.  Silence is golden if it keeps you from being sarcastic, unkind, verbally abusive or degrading.

So What's The Deal With Sarcasm

I had a person post the other day that she had learned that she couldn't be sarcastic in texting.  She would text and use some funny sarcasm, but the spouse wasn't always sure if she was happy, upset, etc.  I remember within the first year or so of Jason and I being married that my family had a discussion about sarcasm.  It came down to a theory that sarcasm is a form of anger.  I can see how that can be applicable, but I think also people use it a lot to be funny, but the receiving end doesn't always know how to take it, so the person ends up confused.  At the end of the family discussion we talked how sarcasm doesn't have any place in a marriage.  The problem with it is sometimes the spouse doesn't know you are being sarcastic, and you can really hurt them.  I can especially see it a problem in texting, because you can't see their face and don't know how they are taking it.  It is great to be funny and have each other laugh, just remember if you are being funny in a text always add lol or haha or something so they know how to take it.  As for sarcasm, just leave it out, that way there never is any confusion.  I had a really bad problem with being sarcastic when I was first married, and I used it a lot, my husband took it well, but I also saw it caused problems.  Once we had the family discussion and I decided not to use it, but just try to be witty on my own, it made life easier.  People knew how to take me and I wasn't always confusing them as to whether I was serious or not with what I said.

Talking Face to Face

A great comment was brought up after yesterday's blog and that was about talking face to face with your spouse.  The person was talking to their spouse on the phone and they started getting frustrated, so they tabled the conversation until they could talk face to face.  Once they did, it did not seem as big of a deal.  You can talk and text your spouse all you want, but there are many talks that do need to be done face to face.  This couple was smart enough to realize they were getting frustrated so they agreed to stop the conversation until they could talk face to face.  This is so you can see each other and read each other's body language, which can say a lot more than words.  For example over the phone a spouse can say "I'm okay" but sometimes if you were to see them say "I'm okay" you would know they really weren't by their body language. 
Each day after work, kids, school, etc. you should find time to talk to each other.  See how your day was, talk about your dreams and hopes for the future.  One day the kids will be out of the home and you will want a great relationship with your spouse, one thing that will help is keeping up on your communication with each other.

If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Don't Say Anything At All

I think some of the greatest advice came from the cartoon Bambi "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  Such amazing words from Bambi's little friend Thumper, but they ring so true today.  This philosophy applies in any situation, but especially in your home.  Your spouse is someone that you are suppose to be picking up, not putting down.  Whatever you say to them, they will take to heart because it is being given by the person who is suppose to love them the most.  Do not say things you will regret, it takes more effort to undo them than to say them.  If you are having frustrations, don't be accusatory and blaming, think of "I" statements to make to them so they don't feel like they are being accused, such as, I feel that, I get worried about, I am not understanding this, I am frustrated that, etc.  You get the picture?  Make sure when you are talking to them that you are dealing with how something makes you feel and not attacking them.  Last, if you do start getting upset, take a time out.  Tell them this is making you upset and you don't want to say unkind things and find a way to take a personal timeout.  Do whatever it takes to sort out your feelings and what you are thinking so you pick them up and not pull them down.

Appropriate Times to Talk

Did you know that there are appropriate times to talk to your spouse?  Let me start with an example, you have just balanced your checkbook and it is off by $100 or so, as soon as your spouse gets home from a long stressful day at work you hit them with the fact that you are $100 short in the account.  Seeing that they have had a long day, they are not going to take it well.  Another example is, you are tired and it is late at night, all you want to do is go to bed and your spouse decides to talk to you about something that has really been bothering them about you, all that results is you get defensive and upset and you go to bed angry.  Talking late at night or right after someone comes home from a long day at work is not effective.  You need to learn to read your spouse and choose times that are appropriate.  After some time being married you will be able to read your spouse and learn when are good times.  Wait until they have had time to settle down from work or a long day of kids.  Never, ever talk when it is late on sensitive subjects, all that happens is you end up unhappy and possibly angry at each other.  If it is that important to talk, schedule time, go for a drive, or go grab ice cream so you can talk quietly.  Just remember think before you speak so you don't say things you regret, it is hard to take back words and they hurt most from those you love most.

Budget and Balance

Now that you have talked to each other openly about your finances you need to take the next step and set up a budget.  You may think that is difficult especially if the income fluxuates week to week, but I lived with that for 14 years and still made it possible.  Look over your bills write down how much is due each month and when they are due.  Next figure out your budget according to when you get your paycheck, ie once a month, every week, every other week.  Now take your bills and put them under which week is best to pay them.  If you are in a sales field it can be harder, just remember when you have a high week you put it aside for a low week.  Don't forget to set aside a little from each paycheck to cover those unknown expenses that always come up.  Once you have your budget figured out, do your best to live by it, it can be hard, but once you get use to it it gets easier.  The other item is to always balance your accounts.  Don't think you can just look up your balance online and it is okay.  You need to look over purchases and keep track of what has cleared and what hasn't.  My husband does not like to balance the accounts, so I do it, but I always keep him informed of where the bills and budget stands each week.

Be Frank in Finances

I had someone bring up a comment about finances and how a temple sealer had told her and her husband that they should talk to each other before they make any purchases.  Being completely open in finances is very important. You should both know where the money is going, what it is being spent on and where it needs to go in the future.  Being frank with each other can avoid alot of problems in the future.  One of the top reasons people get a divorce is over finances.  Today I want you to sit down and discuss all of your finances be open and make sure you understand them completely.

No Really, Get Away

Thanks for everyone's patience with me being gone for a bit.  My advice today is to make sure you have planned your get away with your spouse.  Even if you can't do it for 3,4, or 6 months (is shouldn't be longer than that, you need to be together) you need to plan it.  If you are financially tight, go camping in the summer, it is beautiful to be together under the stars.  Or you can set $5 or $10 aside from each paycheck to afford a motel or bed and breakfast.  I am telling you that it helps your marriage be stronger.  Every time you go away you realize it is great being husband and wife.  You are on your own time schedule and not the children's time schedule.  Talk to your spouse today, get it planned.  Have something to look forward to.

Get Out of Town!

No, seriously, get out of town!  After Jason and I were first married we had the opportunity to go to several friends weddings.  At one wedding I remember the sealer's (he is the man that married the couple) advice, he told us to get out of town.  If you can 3-4 times a year, if not at least a couple of times.  He said it did not have to be fancy, even if it is only 30 minutes away and a basic motel, or you can just go camping, but the most important thing was to get away together, just the two of you.  Jason and I have tried hard to follow this.  With raising four children and him back in school it is not always easy, but it is necessary to our marriage.  Everytime we get away we remind ourselves we are husband and wife, that there is more to our relationship than just being a mom and dad, which we do love also.  When you take time to strengthen your relationship with each other, it will strengthen your relationship with the family.  The kids will see the peace, love and kindness you have for each other.  It doesn't mean that you will not have stressful times, it just helps you get through them better because you are taking time for each other.  Make your marriage a priority and plan a getaway now.  It will rejuvinate you in everyway. 
I will not be posting again until next Thursday the 17th, because I am taking my own advice and getting away with Jason.  The end of this month is our 18th anniversary and I can think of no better time to get away.

Praying for your spouse

I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I chose to attend church each Sunday.  The chapel I go to we call a ward and the leader of this ward is our Bishop.  One Sunday, a while back, I was in churh and our Bishop had a talk with all the adults.  He talked about all that was going on in the world and things that are trying to pull marriages apart.  He then gave us advice and specifically one piece of advice stuck with me and that is you are to have prayers together each night with your spouse vocally.  You take turns every other night saying them and when you say them you are to thank Heavenly Father for specific things you love about your spouse, or things you appreciate about them, or things that your spouse does for you that you appreciate.  Besides it being a prayer for the everyday things it is an opportunity to tell Heavenly Father and your spouse vocally why you love them.  I have done this, and it is humbling.  I believe I am good at telling Jason what I love about him, but to say it in prayer seemed to be harder.  Your challenge is to do this every night with them.  Your love and appreciation for them will deepen.  You are also invoking Heavenly Father's blessing upon your marriage, you are thanking him for the good and letting him know what it is.

The Grapefruit Syndrome

Have you heard of the Grapefruit Syndrome?  If you are a member of the LDS church go to the website and look it up in the April 1993 Ensign for the whole story.  The gist of it is a woman was told if her and her husband list the little annoying habits they find in each other it won't grow into a big annoying habit further down the line.  So the woman goes ahead, one of her complaints was he ate a grapefruit like an orange.  He would peel it and eat it and it drove her crazy.  Next it was the husbands turn and what does he say, that he finds no annoying habits with his wife, that he loves everything about her. 
This is the truth of a marriage.  If we look for annoying habits or negative things, we will find them.  But if we look at our spouse and see their little habits as being them and therefore good, it will not bother us.  If we look for the good we will see the good. 
Do not let your marriage become a Grapefruit Syndrome where all you see are annoying things your spouse does.  See them for being themselves, who cares if they leave the cap of fthe toothpaste, or eat their grapefruit different, it has no consequence on the eternal spectrum of things.
Love them for who they are and embrace them for being your spouse.  See the good, tell the good and you will know the good.

Pick them up, Don't put them down

The rule is simple today:  Pick them up, Don't put them down.  We will elaborate more tomorrow, I just want you to think about what you do and say. (PS I don't post on Sundays)

Why to date once a week

How was your date last night?  Did you enjoy yourself?  Did you get a chance to re-new your relationship with your spouse and to remember that you are husband and wife, not just mom and dad?  Dating is an essential part of your life.  You used to do it all of the time before you were married, so why would you want to forgo a part of your life that used to be normal?  Through dating our spouse we remember why we are married.  It gives us time to sit and talk to each other without all the distractions around.  If you ever feel like you are lacking for conversation, talk about your future, where do you see yourselves in 10, 20, 30 years?  What are your future goals for yourself and your family?  You can even evaluate your relationship.  If you feel the future is uncertain for your marriage, why?  How can you turn the tide and fall back in love with the person you married?  How can the two of you totally commit back fully to your marriage so the two of you look forward to a future together?  A regular date once a week is your renewal.  Look at it that way.  Fill your cup back up and focus again on each other.  Your marriage is worth it, so start working on it now.